It was supposed to be a routine checkup.
You know, the kind where you show up 10 minutes late, your child is only wearing one sock, and you pretend like your life isn’t being held together by fruit snacks and caffeine.
But then he walked in.
The Pediatrician.
The man, the myth, the needle-wielding legend.
And before he could even say “Hi,” my 3-year-old locked eyes with him like he was a Disney villain returning for the sequel she did not approve.
She narrowed her eyes and declared, with the full gravitas of a seasoned soap opera actress:
“Oh no. Not you again.”
I don’t know what was more shocking. Her uncanny memory of a vaccine appointment from nine months ago, or the emotional damage she casually inflicted before the man could even sit down.
But she wasn’t done.
She pointed to his clipboard, tilted her head with suspicion, and demanded:
“What are you gonna do with that?”
At this point, I felt like we were seconds away from her saying, “I know my rights.” We might have been.
The doctor laughed nervously. I laughed nervously. The clipboard started sweating.
He attempted to start the toddler autism screening, but let’s just say… she screened him instead.
She spent the entire appointment making aggressive eye contact and asking existential questions like,
“Are you gonna do that pokey thing again?”
“Is that paper on the table your blanket?”
“Do doctors eat dinner because my mom is internet fasting and doesn’t”
By the end, he was the one fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, and exhibiting signs of sensory overload.
Spoiler alert:
We left with zero questions answered and zero screenings completed.
But a very strong sense that my daughter is either going to be a stand-up comedian or a civil rights attorney.
Possibly both.
In conclusion, if you’re wondering whether a toddler can hold a grudge longer than your ex… the answer is yes.
And if you ever hear a small child say, “Oh no, not you again,” brace yourself.
Because you are now the villain in their origin story.
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