The other day, a 10-year-old neighbor kid walked into my kitchen—completely unbothered, barefoot, holding a popsicle like it was a mic—and announced, “I’m trying to get my mom to do No Poop July.”
I… paused.
Because, you know, that’s not a sentence that typically gets uttered in polite society. Or any society that values fiber.
And she said it so casually, like she was trying to get her mom to do matching nails, or a dance challenge, or, I don’t know, a trust fall. But no. This child, this confident, modern, chronically online pre-tween, was out here lobbying for what I can only describe as a gastrointestinal protest.
“Sorry, what now?” I asked, cautiously removing the red dye #40 popsicle from my white couch.
She rolled her eyes like I was the problem and explained, “It’s this TikTok thing. You don’t poop for the whole month of July. It’s, like, a cleanse.”
Now I’m no doctor. But I’m pretty sure not pooping for a month isn’t a cleanse. It’s how you get your photo on a WebMD case study under “What Not to Do With a Colon.”
I turned to her mom, who looked like she had just lost all will to live or at least to log back into TikTok and whispered, “Blink twice if you need Metamucil.”
Here’s the thing. I’ve lived through a lot of trends as a parent. Fidget spinners. Slime. Tide Pods (not in this house, but yes, I remember the chaos). That phase where every child was obsessed with becoming a YouTube millionaire with unboxing videos and zero business plans. But No. Poop. July. This is where I draw the line.
I mean, listen. I get it. Kids these days are bold. They believe they can manifest their dream life with a Pinterest board, fix their entire personality with a Stanley cup, and now—apparently—they think they can just opt out of basic bodily functions like they’re toggling a filter on Instagram.
Meanwhile, I have to schedule my own bathroom breaks like they’re international summit meetings. Half the time I’m holding it in because someone’s crying, someone else is “starving to death,” and the dog just ate another sock.
Also? These kids have the nerve to call us old. But I guarantee you no millennial was voluntarily skipping poops in 2002. We were chugging Gatorade and hoping nobody noticed we just failed the pacer test.
Anyway, I told my tiny neighborhood influencer that pooping is not optional, and if anything, she should be lobbying for “Hydration July” (especially in Vegas!) or “Eat a Vegetable August. (good everywhere hahaha)” And then I spent a full three minutes explaining to her what fiber is, like I was doing a Ted Talk for the digestive system.
The best part? She looked deeply disappointed in me. Like I had somehow let the trend down. Like she was going to go home and write in her diary, “Mrs. Koch doesn’t believe in social media challenges. I fear she is beyond saving.”
Oh honey, I’m so far beyond saving I need a rescue helicopter and a therapy llama.
So here’s my official Momedy PSA:
Let’s stop the madness. Let’s bring back the wholesome trends. Like choreographed dances. Or making friendship bracelets. Or letting moms hide in their cars with a bag of gas station trail mix pretending it’s self-care.
And if anyone needs me this July, I’ll be over here very much pooping, thank you. Like a functioning human. Like someone who has to drive a carpool in a volvo and doesn’t have time to go viral for an impacted colon.
#FiberIsLife
#MomedyCentral
#DoNotTryThisAtHomeOrEver
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